A 'How-Not-To-Style-Your-Life' Guide

Thursday, 27 March 2014

Afraid To Post

One of the daily problems I face in life is that I hyperbolise everything. I seem to be incapable of thinking rationally and instead I mentally exaggerate what many would process normally. I’m the kind of person that some people learn about in Psychology; I’m a self confessed ‘awfuliser’, and I can’t help but instinctively think of the bad things that’ll come from a situation. Usually I tend not to feel the need to openly broadcast my pessimism online, for that is an exclusive thrill reserved for my long-suffering friends, but I want to try and explain why I haven’t posted anything on my blog in over two months. In case you couldn’t already tell from the title of this post, I’ve grown afraid of blogging.

In all honesty, it hasn’t come as much of a surprise, as I eventually grow scared of pretty much everything. Overdramatic, yes, but sadly a little bit true. If it’s related to how I present myself or how others perceive me, there’s a fairly high chance it will cause me at least marginal anxiety. When I first started using Facebook as an irritating 12-year-old, I was never overly conscious of the version of myself I was presenting online, as all I did was play Farmville, make Picnik edits and ‘become a fan’ of what seemed like every page I found. It was a much simpler time back then. But as I started to use pseudo-blogging websites, such as Tumblr, I noticed a distinct change in how I was presenting myself. I would cherry pick aspects of my personality that I thought would make people like me and I’d overemphasise them as much as possible. It’s not that I didn’t like myself, but I didn’t think other people would be interested in knowing or following me if they knew about some of the bog-standard aspects of my life (likes peas, avidly watches Pointless, mildly addicted to Sprite, etc).

I’m not implying that I don’t do this anymore, but I definitely do it to a lesser extent. I’d say that my tweets, for example, represent my life quite well: they're generally mundane with occasional bursts of stupidity and humour. Before I created my blog, I was adamant that I no longer cared about what people thought of me, but I’ve realised that that’s not entirely true. Writing is something that I struggle to distance myself from, and that’s because it’s always very close to my own reality. “I am too fond of reading books to write them” is a quote I identify with a lot, and as a result of this my writing is predominantly autobiographical, or at least related to my life in some way, shape or form. Henceforth, as I care about what people think of my writing, I have to care about what people think of me.

Whilst I could make time and workload related excuses as to why I haven’t posted in two months, that wouldn’t explain why I manage to find the time to procrastinate my college work and crawl into bed to read or play Pokemon. Fundamentally, I grew scared of blogging because I was scared of making a mistake. Admittedly I’m still slightly frightened, but it’s something I’m working on, and even posting this is a step in the right direction. I just have to stop biting my tongue before it falls off completely. I can’t be scared forever, right?

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